Sixty Shades of Shadow Broker
by Natmonkey
Summary: When a complete journalistic novice replaces his roommate to interview the Shadow Broker, things go way differently than he had thought. A parody on Fifty Shades of Grey - as if that wasn't obvious enough.
1. Chapter 1

_Testing the waters for my _Fifty Shades of Grey_ parody. Of sorts. Damn it, **Carchs**, stop encouraging me to write. I'd like my story to make more sense than the original, but have more ridiculous elements as well. I couldn't even get through the first book. Will be skimming it for inspiration though, or this wouldn't be a proper parody/act of thievery. Let me know what you think of my product. Flame on me all you like for not enjoying _Fifty Shades_, if you're into that sort of thing, but don't expect me to care. And why _Sixty Shades of Shadow Broker_? Because alliteration is sexy, that's why. **Comments that are actually helpful are encouraged. If you want to see the yahg as the Shadow Broker, write your own. I'm trying to be semi-classy here, damn it. **  
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**Chapter 1**

I like what I see in the mirror. Hair: perfectly combed. Facial hair: perfectly groomed. No need to stand here for hours, staring at this tall, tanned, blue-eyed blond. Boy, am I glad my obsession with Commander Shepard is over and done with. I still keep her photo and autograph on my night stand, but I can now look at it without going all gooey in the knees. It took a great deal of therapy to get over her, which means I'm almost broke and have to shack up with another guy to afford housing, but it's still worth it. At least I can now use my brain for things not related to Shepard. I should really be working on my dissertation today, but my roommate needs my help.

Of course Martin had to pick today to succumb to scale-itch. I told him to stay away from those varren, but does he ever listen to me? Nope. So because of his weird fetishes, I now get to take his place to interview the Shadow Broker for his underground newspaper. Why someone like the Shadow Broker would give an interview is beyond me, but it wouldn't be the first miracle Martin has managed to pull out of his hat. Why he would send me, a complete journalistic novice, to such a high-profile interview is also anyone's guess.

My roommate is on the couch with his hand in his sweatpants, scratching away at his itch. His face looks like he's in a lot of pain. Serves him right. Idiot. "Thanks for doing this for me, man," he says, grimacing. "Here is the recorder and this is the list of questions." I take the items from the coffee table and stuff them into my pack. "I owe you."

"Yes, you do." Ugh, I wish I could afford a place of my own. "You should go back to bed. Need some medigel?"

"God, yes, I could really use some." He eyes me hopefully.

I sling my pack over my shoulder. "You know where to find it. See you." No way am I going to nurse that varren-fucker back to a semblance of health. I'm already doing _this_. Don't even know why, but I am. It probably has something to do with procrastination. The shuttle to take me to the Shadow Broker's ultra secret hideout is already waiting for me. I can't help but wonder whether this isn't really, really dangerous. Oh, well. If I get killed, I won't have to write that dissertation. Always look on the bright side.

~*|'-'|*~

When I arrive at my destination, a drell is sitting on a couch with a data pad in his hands. Even before I can open my mouth, he says: "Conrad Verner for Martin McRandom?"

My lower jaw nearly hits the floor. "How did you know?"

"This _is_ the lair of the Shadow Broker," he replies. "Go on in. You're expected."

I follow his instructions to get to where this character is waiting for me. Wish I knew more about them. Now I'm getting nervous. This is all really mysterious stuff. Damn it, Martin; I'm a scientist, not a journalist. Too late to weasel out now. There is the last door I need to go through. It slides open.

Whatever I was expecting the Shadow Broker to be, this wasn't it. Not a young asari with the face of an angel, her shapely figure dressed in white and purple. She extends her hand. "Mr. Verner," she says warmly. Even her voice is sweet. "Welcome."

A current runs through me when my hand touches hers. Must be static. "Thank you." Somehow my voice doesn't tremble. I haven't been this nervous since my first oral presentation. "How did you know Martin wasn't coming?"

She smiles, friendly lines appearing beside her wide violet eyes. "Scale-itch is at its worst during the weather now current in your area." Ew, why would she even know that he has it? The Shadow Broker gestures toward a large couch. "Would you like to sit?"

"Yes, thank you." I look around. There isn't much to this room, which is probably why we're doing the interview here and not somewhere with valuable information lying around. I can't even comment on interesting paintings or sculptures, because the place is bare. So much for small talk.

The asari sits herself beside me; my face becomes even hotter. "What would you like to ask me?" She seems so… nice. This isn't what you would expect from the head of an organization like this. This girl can hardly be over two hundred years old.

"Oh, yeah, I have this list of questions Martin gave me." I fish it from my pack, very happy the thing doesn't have any complicated closures to fumble with. Shit, the recorder. Almost forgot. I press the record button. "So... How does one become the Shadow Broker?" Nice, McRandom. Most original question ever.

"I killed the previous Shadow Broker," she replies on a conversational tone. I listen as she explains how it all happened. I'm surprised she would even answer this question, but I'm not surprised that Shepard was involved. That woman gets around. Killing a Shadow Broker, saving the galaxy. All in a day's work. "Since we left nobody alive who knew the identity of my predecessor, I could easily take over."

This isn't on the list, but I have to ask anyway: "What is stopping me from going public with this information?"

"Common sense." Her smile never falters. "I could vaporize you, then make the galaxy forget you ever existed."

"All right then." That was scary. I clear my throat and go on with the list. She answers every question without hesitation, but the last one is taking it really far: "Who are you exactly?"

Her eyes widen in surprise, then she breaks into a very attractive laugh. "Your roommate should know better than to ask that." I can only agree. The woman scoots closer to me. "Why don't you ask me something else?"

What are you doing tonight? No, no, not that. "What do you like to do when you're not… Shadow Brokering?" God, I sound stupid. I can't help it. She's just so beautiful. Nobody has a right to be this gorgeous.

"Hmm..." She crosses her legs and cups a delicate, long-fingered hand to her chin in thought. "I have hardly any free time, as I'm sure you understand, but I love reading. Prothean historical and cultural studies, that sort of thing." Her smile suddenly looks a bit naughty. "The odd erotic novel…"

Is it hot in here, or is it just me? "Well, uh, I think we have enough. Thank you for the interview." I rise from the couch. I shake her hand and feel that spark again. It's got to be my nerves doing that.

"The pleasure was all mine," replies the Shadow Broker. I feel her eyes on my back when I walk towards the door. "Until we meet again."

That's weird. How and when would we ever meet again? I turn to face her. Her beauty is unreal. It's distracting. "Thanks again." Suddenly, I can't move anymore. I'm caught in a stasis field and I'm pretty sure I know who to blame.

The asari's burning eyes are boring into mine. "You don't remember me at all, do you?" There is an accusation in her voice that is making me highly uncomfortable.

"Uh, no." Should I know her? No. It's not possible. I could never forget a woman like this.

"I was with Shepard when you met her on the Citadel a few times." The Shadow Broker takes my pack off me. "Does that ring any bells?" She retrieves the recorder, takes out the disc and replaces it with another. "McRandom is a fool for thinking I would let him publish this in his newspaper." She destroys the old disc under her heel. I wonder what is on the new one.

"That's not the only thing he is a fool for." There is the unprotected varren-sex, of course. I rack my brain, but I can't remember this girl. Or, wait. I do vaguely recall an asari maiden. Very shy. The only reason I saw her is because she was hiding behind Shepard. No wonder I didn't recognize her. "You look so different." She has filled out considerably, for one. I certainly don't remember all these curves from last time.

She looks pleased. "So I've been told." Her gaze turns more serious. "A lot has happened since the last time we met." The Shadow Broker steps closer and lays her hand on my chest. Her fingers may be shaking just a little, but I'm about to have a heart attack. "Now that you know I was with Shepard, it's fairly easy to figure out who I am." Her beautiful eyes blink up at me, her hand gliding lower. "I wonder… What could I do to keep you silent?" Her hand goes even lower.

"You're, uh, y-you're going in the right direction." I can't believe this is happening to me. What would a gorgeous woman like this, the Shadow Broker even, want with someone like me? Not that I have such a bad self-image, I'm just so… Normal. Just a random guy studying for his doctoral degree in Xenoscience. That delicate blue hand is on my belt now. I may not be able to move, but there is definitely something moving in my pants.

"Oh?" Her smile widens; her fingers curl over my waistband.

I hear the crackle of static and my heart sinks. "We have a situation," a voice – sounds like the drell I met earlier – says over the comm. "I think it's time we sent your guest home."

The look in the Shadow Broker's eyes darkens before she sighs in resignation. "I'm awfully sorry about this," she murmurs, her voice hesitating.

"You have a job to do," I reply, trying my best not to sound disappointed. "I understand. Would you mind letting me move now?"

Her eyes flash darkly again as she shakes her head. "You are not going anywhere just yet." Before I know it, she has pushed me against the wall. Her hands are in my hair, pulling it almost to the point of pain and bringing me closer to her. That current from before runs through me, stronger by at least a tenfold, when her lips touch mine. Her tongue finds easy access – how could I _not_ want this? – and explores my mouth. I've never been kissed like this before. Only now do I notice that I'm free to move again and that my arms have wrapped around her little waist without any command from me. My hands are on her firm behind, pulling her closer to me. Her breasts are soft against my chest; my hard-on digs into her flat stomach. I'm about to burst into flames with embarrassment. "You're so sweet," she moans softly, giving my bottom lip a playful nibble. Suddenly I don't feel very embarrassed anymore.

The door slides open. Great. The Shadow Broker abruptly pulls away from me. It's that drell again. I'm starting to hate that guy. He looks at me, flushed and dishevelled, then at his employer, innocent and perfect. Is that a twitch I see in the corners of his mouth? "I'm sorry, but this is really urgent." Sorry, my ass. I pick my pack up off the floor and sling it over my shoulder again.

"I'm afraid I have no more time." The asari gently ushers me out. "See you soon," she says with a wink. I can just see her licking her lips before the door slides shut. It won't open again. On the way back to the shuttle, I curse whatever emergency has so thoroughly ruined it for me.


	2. Chapter 2

_Props to **Draguna** for his help (even if he can't be arsed to review anymore). _

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**Chapter 2**

All the way in the shuttle back home I keep thinking about her. About the way her tongue was caressing mine, about how her butt felt under my hands. Those breasts. I'd give anything to see her out of her clothes. Or to feel her like that. Ugh, I'm definitely going to have to choke the chicken when I get back. Maybe that will clear my head. _See you soon._ Really? I sure hope so, but I can't hold my breath. The Shadow Broker must be a busy woman. I wish I knew her name. Asari friend of Shepard's. Should be easy enough to look up on the extranet, like she said. Ah. Finally.

I shake my head and open the door. Forget about her for now. The first thing I hear is various grunting noises and an animal yelping. Oh, for the love of-… "Martin! Are you fucking a varren _in the goddamned house_?" I walk into the living room, just in time to see my roommate pulling up his shorts and his partner, a varren with a pink bow tied around its neck, dashing away from him. "You disgusting bastard." I hold the door open and point at the varren, then at the exit. "You, out." It obediently pads away; I'm pretty sure that is gratitude in its eyes. Poor creature. I understand; I can't really stand him either.

"Vanna, wait!" Martin calls after his current love interest. It breaks into a run and straight out the door it goes. "Great, thank you very much. I was sure I had a connection with this one." He glares at me, like I was the one caught in interspecies debauchery. "She had some serious potential." Uh-huh. A romantic connection with a varren. I doubt "Vanna" has run off to tell her friends about her dreamy new boyfriend.

"How long has this been going on? I've been very clear about you keeping your filth outside, haven't I?" His guilty silence says it all. "Fantastic. Now I'm going to have to disinfect the place again." I wince at the sight of him in only his shorts. "Will you please cover yourself?" About as appetizing as a rotting cloaca.

"Yeah, yeah…" He pulls on his favourite robe, the one covered in little N7 logos. "So how did it go?"

I have the sudden urge to lie through my teeth about all this. Sounds like a plan. "Well, it was all very mysterious. A voice over the comm told me where to go." I throw the great journalist his recorder and list of questions. "It was a darkened room where I sat all by myself, talking into a microphone. Never saw anybody. Pretty sure they used a vocal distortion device too."

"Hmm, you can't expect someone like the Shadow Broker to just sit down and chat with you." He presses the play button. _Fuck you, fuck you very, very much_, sings a cheerful young woman's voice. Just that, over and over again. Nice. Howling with rage, Martin flings his recorder at the wall. It shatters. I'm so not going to pick that up. "_Fuck_! I knew it was too good to be true." He sighs. "I'm sorry I put you through all that for nothing, man."

I manage to suppress a wide grin and shrug. "It was a welcome break from my dissertation." Oh, yes. Very welcome. The taste of her mouth suddenly comes back to me and I subtly dangle my pack in front of a strategic area. "You obviously feel better." Classic misdirection.

"Oh, that reminds me: we're out of medigel." He sticks his hand down his shorts and absently scratches himself. "Pity. I was sure Vanna was the one."

"I think you should see a doctor. This isn't normal." I shake my head. This… No. Just, no.

Martin flips me off with his free hand. "_You_ aren't normal, Mr. Celibacy."

"Still more normal than you." It's true, though; I haven't been with anyone in years. There has been the odd girlfriend (in more ways than one), but we got sick of each other pretty quickly. I've just never felt some earth-shattering, heaven-moving, mind-blasting connection with anyone before. But maybe… Nah. "Well, I better get ready for work." Right after I spank the monkey. Glad I can make it to my shift. The work is about as fulfilling and challenging as picking lint out of my belly button, but I need the money.

"Yeah, all right." He shakes his head. "What am I going to do now? Oh!" His eyes light up. "Are you free for an interview? I'm sure my readers would love to know what it's like to be dickless."

Now it's my turn to give him the finger. I'm not dickless and I'm going to prove it to myself right now.

~*|'-'|*~

What a day. If one more krogan flips out at me for not having any purple space cabbages in stock, I'm handing in my resignation. What is it with them and purple space cabbages?

"Yeah, Conrad?" says the manager's wheezy voice. I will never cease to be amused by volus. They're just so… awesome. "The cabbages have just come in." He wheezes some more. "If you could shelve them for me, that would be great. Thaaaanks." Casually the manager saunters away. Weird way of asking something, but he's the boss.

It's about time. I haul a cartload of them out into the store and neatly lay them in their designated area. I still don't quite understand what the krogan see in them. The taste is fine, but they turn your mouth purple. Last time I had some, this guy ran up to me and wanted to give me mouth-to-mouth. No more purple coleslaw for me. Ever again.

"Excuse me…" That voice. I turn around and look in a pair of very familiar violet eyes. "Mr. Verner," the Shadow Broker says sweetly. I haven't had time yet to find out her name. "What a pleasant surprise." What is she doing here? Well, there is a shopping basket on her arm, so she must be shopping for food, but why here in the Intergalactic Greengrocer? Hm. That dress is dead sexy. After what happened earlier today, I doubt this is a coincidence.

"When you say soon, you really mean it." Sometimes I surprise myself by being really confident. I try to return her smile, but the corners of my mouth are trembling. Goodbye, confidence. "So, uh, can I help you with anything?" I feel stupid in my uniform. Not that I'm a regular Adonis in my normal gear, but this apron looks really silly. Not to mention the hat.

The Shadow Broker switches her basket to her other arm. "I need a few cucumbers."

"We have several kinds. Let me show you." Her high heels click on the floor as she walks behind me. Good thing I can't see her. The image in my head is hot enough and probably doesn't even do this beauty justice. "They come in several colours and textures, as you can see. Between you and me, though, they all pretty much taste the same." There is the typical earth variety, green and watery. I forget where they're all from, but there are blue, gnarly cucumbers, red cucumbers that grow in spirals, purple cucumbers that are about a mile long, yellow cucumbers that could be used as torches. Any colour you can imagine, we sell here. It all makes for a very exciting salad. Visually, anyway. It's official: I have worked here decidedly too long.

"Oh, I'm not really interested in what they taste like." The Shadow Broker carefully inspects various cucumbers, running her fingers along their lengths. You know what, it's the first time I've noticed the phallic qualities of cucumbers. "These will do," she says with a naughty glint in her eyes. There are cucumbers of ascending sizes in her basket, all in a different colour. They have one thing in common: knobbly skin. Oh, shit. No, no, no, this is bad. I can't think about her like that. Obviously I can, it's just not very gentlemanly. "These will do nicely."

"Cucumber salad is really nice with a yoghurt dressing," I try lamely. "And lots of dill." Pointless. She just said she doesn't care about flavour, didn't she?

"I'm not making a salad." The girl conjures an innocent smile. "I want these to stay whole." Don't get a boner, don't get a boner, don't get a boner, don't-… Too late. She looks me over and smirks. Her eyes are lingering where I really wish they wouldn't. This is so embarrassing. "Nice," she says casually. Or maybe not so embarrassing? No, it's still totally awkward. "Could you direct me to the yoghurt anyway?" asks the Shadow Broker, unexpectedly. "Oh, and the whipped cream?"

I shake the image of her wearing only a whipped cream bikini out of my head. "Of course. This way." Those heels. It's kind of a sexy sound, really. "Are you looking for any specific-…" Once again this lovely woman pushes me up against a wall. "…Flavour?" My voice is squeaky, like I'm back to being a teenager.

"I think I'd rather give you a taste." I expect her to do the same as earlier, but instead she trails a few light kisses along my jaw. Her hand is low on my stomach. Almost too low. "Not here, though." There is a seductive promise in her words. She detaches herself from me – I miss her breasts already – and tips a few things into her basket. A wink and she walks away, just leaving me there in the dairy isle.

The sway of her hips is almost hypnotic, but I manage to find my tongue anyway. "Hey, wait."

She turns, a smug look on her beautiful face. "Yes?"

"Can't you at least tell me your name?"

"I could," she teases, wagging a finger at me. "But you're bright. Do your research." I watch her walk away, my eyes plastered to her spectacular ass. "I'll message you," she calls over her shoulder. Well, I sure hope so. This can't be good for my health.

I look around to find a battle-scarred krogan staring at me, a full shopping trolley in front of him. He whistles appreciatively, eyes flitting to the asari's backside. "Lucky human," he chuckles. "By the way, I can't find your purple space cabbages."

"Follow me, sir." The crates that should hold the new batch of purple cabbages is empty, except for a few stray leaves. Holy shit, they got to them fast. The krogan is about to start spouting steam from his ears, but smiles at my announcement: "I'll go get you a few from the back." Better get out another cartload.

"Thanks." My customer grabs about ten cabbages out of the pile and heads for the cash registers.

Well, time to get these-… What, seriously? I'm just in time to see a krogan walk away with the last few heads. Everything else has mysteriously vanished. What is it with those guys and purple space cabbages?

~*|'-'|*~

Liara T'Soni. So that is her name. It has a nice ring to it. The pictures on this page are clearly old. The live specimen looks infinitely more beautiful. Specialist on Prothean extinction, powerful biotics user, instrumental in saving the galaxy. Currently working as an information broker on Illium. Also as the Shadow Broker, but oddly enough it doesn't say that here. Gee, I wonder why. I also wonder why she would show herself to me like this. How did she know I wouldn't tell good old Martin everything I've seen? Well, she seems to know everything else, so she must know we're not BFFs.

Liara. At least now I know what to call her. Maybe she will clarify things for me the next time we meet. Or maybe she will jump my bones. Heh. Wouldn't that be nice? I've never been turned on by a woman like this before. Or by a man, for that matter. There was Shepard, once upon a time, but that was more like blind devotion and temporary insanity. I peek at the photograph on my night stand. That Shepard does have a good face on her. Soulful dark eyes, thick red lips. Not bad at all.

Not nearly as beautiful as Liara, though. Her features are so sweet and innocent. Damn. If I hadn't suffered from tunnel vision, I would have noticed her for what she was. A total babe. What does she want with me? I don't understand. Does it have something to do with my research? Shit, my research! Ah, well, I have a free day tomorrow. Might as well postpone. Maybe just read a little before bed. _Ping_. Hey, a message. Could that be from her? Be still, my beating heart.

_Dear Mr. Verner,_

_I see you've been a good boy and looked me up. Now we can discuss how I might buy your silence. Dinner tomorrow? I'll cook for you. _

_Liara T'Soni. _

Oh, God, yes. A thousand times yes. What should I say?

_Dear Ms. T'Soni,_

_That's me, always a good boy. Dinner sounds great. Tell me when and where. _

_Conrad Verner._

Yes, that looks good. I hit send; almost immediately after, I get another _ping_.

_Dear Mr. Verner,_

_Excellent! I will pick you up from your apartment at 7pm. Can't wait. _

_Liara T'Soni. _

Hmm, me neither. What's for dinner? Cucumber salad?

_Dear Ms. T'Soni,_

_I'll be looking forward to tomorrow. Until then. _

_Conrad Verner. _

I'm almost shaking when I turn off the machine. Dude. I have a date with the Shadow Broker.

* * *

_Song on the disc is _Fuck You_ by Lily Allen. The volus manager is a reference to the brilliant piece of comedy that is _Office Space_. The cabbages are a very vague reference to the first _Avatar_ series and a certain merchant. I know that not every species can eat the same food, but really, I can't be bothered to take this into account. Let's just assume that they can all eat cucumbers, cabbages, yoghurt and whipped cream._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"The place is squeaky clean, all right?" Martin glares up at me from the floor, a rag scrunched up in his hands. "Gah! I said I was sorry about Vanna."

"You know, you can actually do this wearing clothes." He's only got on his shorts and pink rubber gloves. Somewhere, some freaky person is going hard and/or moist for this. "Might be better for your knees too."

He grins. "I know, but I love that look on your face." Groaning in exasperation, he continues scrubbing the floor. His hair falls into his eyes. He curses and tries to tuck it behind his ear. I keep telling him to get a haircut or something, but does he ever listen to me? Maybe the varren like him better like this. Heh. Unwelcome nudity or no, it's pretty entertaining.

"Suit yourself." I take a quick look at my watch; 1:34pm. Time just crawls by today. That's a good thing, since I'm working on my thesis. I feel like I've made good progress so far. "Doing a good job, McRandom. Keep at it." Well, I can't watch this all day. I only wanted a soda.

"I've already cleaned everywhere!" shrieks the great journalist. "Twice!"

I poke my head out of my room. "Third time's the charm." That'll teach him to bring his creepy fetishes into the damned house. If I somehow contract scale-itch, that crazy bastard is going to rue the day we met. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not violent. Maybe I will be if that happens. All right. Where was I again?

~*|'-'|*~

"There's someone here for you," says Martin with barely contained glee in his voice. Oh, _shit_. I've totally lost track of time. I scramble up from my desk, fully expecting to see the lovely Liara. Instead, it's that drell I saw in her secret hideout. My roommate asks: "Got a hot date?" I just ignore him. So does the drell.

"Good evening." He nods. "Are you ready to go?"

I nod back. "Sure." Jacket in hand, I follow him outside. I can feel Martin's eyes in my back and I know he's laughing himself to death on the inside. There are going to be some very stupid questions when I get back. "Is something wrong with Liara?"

"She's fine." He gestures for me to get into his shuttle. "After you."

"I'm sorry, I don't know your name." It's weird to just think of him as "the drell".

For a while he says nothing. "Feron." Not the talkative type, then.

"I'm Conrad, but I guess you knew that already." This is awkward. Why does it have to be so awkward? Well, I doubt it would have been a lot better of Liara had picked me up. I'm so nervous.

"Yes."

"And uh, I'm sorry about my roommate being an ass." Got a hot date, indeed. Surely not with this guy. As I understand it, homosexuality is very rare in the other species. I don't swing that way. Not that I haven't given it the old drunken college try, because you never know, but nope. Not gay.

Feron shrugs. "What does he know? He has sex with varren." His voice is utterly devoid of humour.

"Uh, yeah…" Shutting up now.

~*|'-'|*~

"Liara will take you home." Feron leaves me in front of what looks like a very luxurious apartment. Nice. Brokering information pays the big credits, I guess. "Goodbye."

"Thanks for the ride." I'm not sure what to think of him. He's too quiet to figure out. "See you." The door is open when I turn around; the lady in front of me looks good enough to eat. I'm going to poke a hole in my shorts if I'm not careful. "Uhm, thanks for the invitation." My face feels like it's on fire. Somebody get me some ice.

Liara hugs me as if we've known each other for years, which I guess we have. Sort of. "I'm so glad you could make it!" She looks happy, all smiles and twinkling eyes. "Come in."

"Wow, great place." Liara smiles shyly at the compliment and mumbles her thanks. I can't get over how perfectly sweet she is. But never mind that, before I really need a new pair of shorts. The apartment is very neat with nice furniture. Those Prothean relics she has on display must be worth a bundle. I don't think they look very attractive, but to each their own. She is an expert on all things Prothean, after all. A mouth-watering smell comes wafting out of the open kitchen. My stomach growls; I haven't eaten in hours.

"You must be hungry. Where would you like to sit?" She gestures around her. "Counter, couch?"

"The counter is fine, thank you." The table has already been set; I would hate to spill anything on her couch. That thing looks like I couldn't afford it even if I stopped eating for two years. I don't know what the food on this plate exactly is, but it smells delicious. "What is this?" I'm itching to pick up my fork and shovel it all down. Don't want her to think I'm a pig, though. Come to think of it, would she even know what a pig is?

She smiles and sits across from me, her knee bumping against mine. "Calamari gumbo: an asari speciality." I'm still wondering what she wants to do with those cucumbers if not eat them. Plant them? What my dirty mind was thinking of can't be right.

"That's a first for me." One bite and I'm in heaven. "This is delicious." It's spicy, full of flavour. Even the calamari, which can be rubbery, melts in my mouth. This is the shit! Ew. Bad choice of words.

"I've made it myself," the asari says, shyness and a hint of pride in her voice. "I was too busy cooking; that's why I sent Feron to pick you up." She blushes a very nice shade of blue. "Try the wine." Even that tastes lovely. Sweet and not too wine-like. I don't really enjoy the taste of alcohol. "Good?"

"Mmm!" I continue eating and stick up my thumb. It's so good, I can't stop. Liara is laughing; at me or with me, I don't know. Well, as long as she's amused. I have my plate cleaned off in no time. My lovely hostess refills it just as quickly. I'm getting more comfortable. At least, my heart isn't going all that crazy anymore. "You're an amazing cook." Oh, wait, I'm not more comfortable after all. About to have a heart attack again. It would be nice if I were just a bit more confident. Man, is this food good.

"Really?" More smiles and blushes. "You are a wonderful guest." Glad I'm not the only one who seems nervous. She is odd like that; one moment she has her tongue in my mouth, the next she is blushing like a maiden. "It's nice to have someone appreciate your efforts…" Her lovely eyes look sad, all of a sudden.

I make sure to swallow everything – never talk with your mouth full – before asking: "Are you all right?"

"Oh, yes, of course." She reaches over and lightly brushes her fingers over my knuckles. "I don't want to bother you with my little problems." Her smile may be bright, but she can't fool me.

"I'm a great listener." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. More like twitch, twitch. I'm not usually like this around women. Or am I? I don't get out much. "It's fine if you don't want to tell me, though. We don't really know each other that well."

She shakes her pretty head. "No, that's not it." I almost choke on my food when I feel her foot stroking my lower leg. "I didn't invite you here to just listen to me." The way she is looking at me, the sexy sound of her voice… This is too much for my heart. Distraction. I need a distraction.

"You'll feel better if you talk about it." If I don't do something, I'm going to jizz in my pants right here. That would be all too embarrassing. Didn't I see that in some antique vid once? Oh, yes, _She's Out of My League._ How appropriate. Note to self: bring extra pants next time. If there is a next time. Her eyes inquisitively follow my movements as I slide off my chair and walk around the table. Oh, God, she smells good. Take a deep breath. You can do this. My hands are shaking when I place them on her shoulders. Good thing they're covered; I don't think I could handle the feel of her delicately scaled skin. "Come on, tell me." There is great tension here, but yours truly gives a good massage.

"Oh, very well." Liara sighs softly under my kneading fingers. "Shepard gave me such a hard time… Can you believe it? She yelled at me for giving her remains to Cerberus." Her remains? So she was _really_ dead? I never believed all that for a second. Geez, the wonders of modern medicine. And what's so bad about Cerberus? Maybe that's just my humanity speaking though. I know nothing of all this whatsoever. "I knew what they would do with her and that it was selfish of me, but how could I turn down even this sliver of hope?"

"I don't think it's selfish at all." My stomach tightens at an old memory: Shepard shoving her gun in my face and telling me I'm not good enough to be a Spectre. Which is undoubtedly true, but she didn't have to be such a dick about it. "You did it for her, didn't you? But we all know what a bitch Shepard can be." For months after, I woke up from overly dramatic nightmares in which the woman pushed that gun in my face and pulled the trigger. Still, that meant the beginning of the end of my obsession with her. Thank God. Who knows what kinds of stupid shit I might have gotten myself into if I'd stayed that way? Ah, good; the tension in her muscles has decreased noticeably.

The asari hums. "I'm sorry she treated you like that." A long sigh rolls off her lips. "I wanted to go after you, but Shepard gave me her death stare and, well…" She giggles awkwardly; the noise has a direct effect on my groin.

"Let's not talk about that." She made me, a grown man, cry like a little girl. That is just shameful. _I wish I'd never met you, waaah…_ Pathetic. "Look, you did the right thing. She was your friend and you didn't want to give up on her. Nothing selfish about it." Apparently the woman is instrumental in prolonging the existence of life as we know it too. I haven't noticed anything myself, but apparently we're all in grave danger. An ancient race of sentient machines coming to wipe us out? Something like that. It sounds too unbelievable to be true, but a hundred years ago, we hadn't even dreamed of all these other cool aliens. Like those volus, ha… So why not?

Liara suddenly slides off her chair and wraps her arms around my neck. "Thank you," she murmurs, pressing her cheek against my chest. I wish I didn't have a raging boner right now. Well, might as well enjoy having a beautiful woman in my arms. Never let it be said that I don't seize an opportunity with both hands when I see one. Why should I be uncomfortable? She obviously likes me too, or she wouldn't have kissed me. I can fake confidence whenever I have to present my findings, so why not now? I guess I can try. Mind over matter. Mind over matter! Drawing her closer with one hand, I tilt up her chin with the other. Her eyes look hazy, her lips are slightly parted. Damn, she's hot. "So, Mr. Verner," she says, her voice hoarse. "Shall we get down to business?"

Business? What bu-… Oh, that. "How do you propose to keep me quiet, Ms. T'Soni?" I can play along. Of course I could ruin it right away by promising her I wouldn't tell a soul, but this has all the makings of a great game. Feeling bold, I let my hand glide down the small of her back and onto her gorgeous ass. Heh. Nice.

"Oh!" She gives a surprised squeal when I squeeze her lightly, then bites her lower lip. Sexy. "I have… studied the male human body extensively," she whispers. "But I lack more practical experience." Her fingers trail up the front of my trousers and I have to stifle a groan. "You could teach me, Mr. Verner." Liara closes the distance between us and brushes her lips against mine. "Whatever it takes to keep my identity a secret."

That is so, so, so hot. Is this real? Does this beauty genuinely, really want me? Waaait… "Back up there. Did you just tell me you've never…?" This has to be an act. A girl like this can have any man or woman from any species she pleases.

"Uhm…" She averts her eyes and the blush on her cheeks deepens. "No, not in the sense that you mean. I am a scientist, Conrad. I'm used to being surrounded by relics and artefacts. There simply never has been an opportunity." The asari looks me in the eye, nervously licking her lips. "I did desire someone else once, but the feeling wasn't mutual."

I shake my head. Is this for real? "I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around this." First that she's never had sex the way humans do and second that this "someone" wasn't interested in her. "So, uh…" Yeah. I don't even.

"I would love to try it with you." She follows this bombshell up with a kiss. The taste of her tongue is making my head spin. "I knew I wanted you the moment I saw your sweet smile," she moans against my lips. Her hands glide under my shirt, stroking my sides. "Goddess, finally…"

I could seriously do her right here and now. She has that kind of effect on me. But no matter how seductive and enthusiastic she is, I couldn't possibly just jump her. Liara is so sweet and even though she has the whole kissing thing down to a fine art, she is also innocent. "Are you sure?" I ask her softly, grasping her chin to meet her gaze. She nods with considerable urgency, her beautiful eyes blazing with want. "Then let's go." I sweep her off her feet and carry her up the stairs to her bed, like the princess that she is. I'll make this a first time to remember.

* * *

_Cliffhanger! What ever are they going to do now? Place your bets, people.  
_


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